Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: An Audio Book Review

As most of you know, I generally review books for children or teens. But every once in awhile I share books for adults. This time, I'm tackling a serious topic in a book by psychologist, Dr. Susan Forward: Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them.

Before listening to this book, I had never heard the word misogynistic and had no idea that it meant "reflecting a distrust, hatred, or mistreatment of women." Nor did I have any idea how prevalent this syndrome is today.

Originally published in 1986, it was re-released as a paper back in 2002 and is now available in audio format through Tantor Media. The narration by Randye Kaye was clear and easy to follow. 

REVIEW

In Part I, Dr. Forward describes the symptoms of a misogynist relationship through family histories of her patients as well as stories she heard time and again as a talk show host. The women find themselves the recipients of ridicule, are always seen at fault if conflicts arise (and what marriage doesn't have conflict?), and are frequently afraid of the men in their lives because they are threatened either verbally or physically. As a result, these women walk on eggs; not wanting to upset their partner, and often give up important relationships, activities or even their jobs in order to not rock the boat.

Many women ignore early warnings that their relationship has serious problems and fantasize about how they can make things better. Not wanting to ruin romantic dreams, the reality of the trouble these women experience frequently gets shoved into the background. It takes great courage and strength to face these problems--or if the problems go on long enough, the woman becomes desperate to receive help. 

The second part of the book is devoted to advice to women who are in these types of relationships. This comprehensive section includes

clarifying relationships to remove oneself from self-blame, recognizing when a man is emotionally unstable and wanting a woman to be dependent on him (and why), understanding how a woman can't change a man's basic personality but how she can set limits and respond to his threats. It also included reflections on what leads a man to becoming a misogynist. Questionnaires and visualization exercises give the reader opportunities to examine herself, her relationship, and how to create new responses to the man in her life. Dr. Forward handles many tough topics, including how to handle physical threats to the woman or her children.

As a Christian, I thought Dr. Forward made many valid points about setting boundaries and parameters. Her advice to women not to try to fix the other person but instead to acknowledge her own emotions, negative thoughts, and behaviors, frees a woman to take responsibility for herself. I disagreed with Forward's negative use of the word submissive. Although the concept can easily be misused, within the contest of a Biblical and loving marriage submission takes on a positive meaning and direction. 

A NOTE TO WRITERS

As I was listening to the book, I thought how it would be a great resource for writers who are exploring the effects of abuse on men and women. As I have mentioned before, One Stop for Writers, the brainchild of Becca Puglisi and Angela Ackerman, is a collection of helps for writers including all of their thesauri. I thought particularly of The Emotional Wound Thesaurus, and how it digs deep into many wounds related to destructive female/male relationships. If you are writing a book that includes a misogynistic relationship, I would encourage you to read this book to deepen your understanding of what your characters have experienced.

RECOMMENDATION 

This is a must read for anyone who is involved in a relationship with a man who is very controlling and threatening. No giveaway this time; my copy went to a friend.

AUDIO SNIPPET

To hear a snippet from the book, click here.

A Customized Emotional Wound Created for Half-Truths!

I don't typically blog twice in one week, but I couldn't wait to share some news with you. Remember when I posted about Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi's new Emotional Thesaurus two weeks ago?

A few days later I received this email from Angela:

I am thrilled that you've won a Custom Description Thesaurus Entry from Becca and I for the Emotional Wound Thesaurus. So basically, you can pick any wound we haven't covered in our book or at One Stop for Writers, and we will write it for you. This is perfect if you have a character that you want to dig a bit deeper into.  Just follow the link to see which ones we have, and if there's one you would like us to explore for you, we will. 

I immediately returned her email with backstory about Half-Truths and some ideas. The following week the equally amazing Becca Puglisi (honestly, I don't know if this pair ever sleeps!) posted this on One Stop for Writers. How cool is this?

DISCOVERING HIDDEN INFORMATION ABOUT ONE'S ANCESTRY 

NOTES:

Like all wounds, this one can have varying effects on the individual depending on the circumstances. In some cases, the person may discover something that isn't a bad thing (such as the truth about a racial or cultural heritage) but it rocks their world due to how it reshapes their identity. This could be especially challenging if they grew up being taught specific racist beliefs and now they must reconcile with this new information that places them within that same group. In other instances, they may discover something unethical or unconscionable in their family history that they'll have to come to grips with. Another factor to consider is how the character discovers the information. Was it deliberately kept from them or simply an unknown? Do they stumble upon it unexpectedly or was there suspicion in their minds all along? Do they discover it on their own or is it uncovered by someone who goes public with it, forcing the character to process the information before they're ready to do so? As always, examine the event from many different angles to ensure it has the proper impact.

EXAMPLES:

Learning that...

• One descends from a different race than one has always associated with
• One's family was never part of the heritage or culture it was supposed to have belonged to
• One is part of the family because of an unsavory act (through adultery or rape, when a forebear blackmailed or bought their way into the family, etc.)
• One's ancestors played a part in a genocide (such as the Nazi holocaust or the Khmer Rouge Cambodian genocide)
• One's ancestors were responsible for the oppression or enslavement of others
• One's ancestors were part of a far-reaching political cover-up

BASIC NEEDS OFTEN COMPROMISED BY THIS WOUND:

love and belonging, esteem and recognition, self-actualization

FALSE BELIEFS THAT COULD BE EMBRACED:

I'm not the person I thought I was.

My entire life is a sham.

I don't belong anywhere.

If others find out about this, they'll reject me.

If this part of my life is a lie, then nothing is certain.

My blood makes me guilty by association (if notoriety is discovered in one's family roots).

If I reveal what I've learned to my family members, it will destroy us. So it's best to keep it secret.

THE CHARACTER MAY FEAR:

Losing their sense of identity; not knowing who they are

Being condemned because of their ancestors' actions or beliefs

The family being torn apart by the information

Being ostracized by the family if one shares what one has learned

That, genetically or ideologically, one will become like one's notorious ancestor(s)

That more identity-based falsehoods exist

Rejection by the family when they learn the truth about one's heritage

POSSIBLE RESPONSES AND RESULTS:

Sitting on the information until one can figure out what to do with it

Choosing to protect the secret rather than reveal it

Refusing to accept the truth; living in denial

Becoming conflicted when asked by family members to keep the information to oneself

Rebelling against one's heritage or culture as a way of separating oneself from it

Making excuses for a notorious ancestor's actions

Withdrawing from the family

Feeling confused about one's identity

Examining one's physical features or those of one's family members looking for signs of the hidden heritage

Pulling away from anyone clearly associated with a certain ancestry; preferring racial or cultural ambiguity

Questioning other valued parts of one's ancestry

Lashing out at anyone who knew about the secret

Harboring resentment against family members one believed should have known the truth

Shunning former passions or interests associated with one's family or heritage

Becoming apathetic; losing interest in one's hobbies or activities

Adopting the belief that there is no absolute truth

Becoming skeptical of everything

Falling into depression

Changes in appetite due to stress; rapid weight losses or gains

Difficulty sleeping

Avoiding the truth through drug or alcohol usage

Rejecting everything about one's heritage to distance oneself from the thing one can't come to grips with (throwing the baby out with the bathwater)

Thinking and acting prejudicially against people from one's former heritage or culture

Becoming obsessed with the notorious figure(s) from one's past

Seeking wise and impartial counsel to help one make sense of the situation

Attempting to make amends or restitution for any wrongdoings by one's ancestors

Studying one's true heritage to begin to understand it

Recognizing that one can be proud of one's heritage without accepting the actions or ideology of some of its past members

Empathizing with and reaching out to other people who share one's circumstance

Realizing that one's heritage is only one part of a person's identity

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES THAT MAY RESULT:

ADAPTABLE, APPRECIATIVE, BOLD, COURAGEOUS, CURIOUS, DISCREET, EMPATHETIC, GENTLE, HONEST, HONORABLE, HUMBLE, INSPIRATIONAL, JUST, PENSIVE, PHILOSOPHICAL, PRIVATE, RESPONSIBLE, SOCIALLY AWARE, STUDIOUS, SUPPORTIVE, TOLERANT

NEGATIVE TRAITS THAT MAY RESULT:

ABRASIVE, APATHETIC, CALLOUS, CHILDISH, COWARDLY, CRUEL, CYNICAL, DEFENSIVE, DISHONEST, DISLOYAL, DISRESPECTFUL, HYPOCRITICAL, INSECURE, JEALOUS, OBSESSIVE, PARANOID, PREJUDICED, REBELLIOUS, RESENTFUL, TEMPERAMENTAL, WITHDRAWN

TRIGGERS THAT MIGHT AGGRAVATE THIS WOUND:

A festival, parade, or other celebration of the heritage one thought one belonged to

Learning about other lies—even those with good intentions—told by family members (about the severity of an aunt's illness, covering for an uncle's drunken binge, the existence of Santa Claus, etc.)

A reunion or holiday gathering where the family heritage will be honored

Hearing news stories about a regime or corporation covering up the truth

Seeing others struggling with important facets of their identities (i.e., cultural, sexual orientation, religious, etc.)

OPPORTUNITIES TO FACE OR OVERCOME THIS WOUND:

Seeing someone of the heritage whose people were oppressed by one's ancestors and wanting to help him or her

Being asked by one's child about their ancestry and having to decide what to tell them

Having a chance to right a wrong by telling one's story though it means making it known to the world

Uncovering a secret at work or in a trusted organization and having to decide what to do with the information.

Didn't Becca do an amazing job? Trust me, I'll be pouring over this entry and mining every nugget!  By the way, if you haven't checked out One Stop, here is my blog post giving you a window into how I use this comprehensive writing resource. 

The Emotional Wound Thesaurus + Three Stories of Perseverance

Today I have a special post as part of the Writers Persevere event that authors Angela Ackerman and Becca Puglisi are running for the next few days to celebrate their newest book, The Emotional Wound Thesaurus: A Writer’s Guide to Psychological Trauma. This book looks at the difficult experiences embedded in our character’s backstory which will shape their motivation and behavior afterward. 

To help them celebrate this release, many of us are posting stories about some of the obstacles we’ve overcome as writers. As we all know, this isn’t an easy path. Writing is hard and as writers we tend to struggle with doubt. Sometimes too, we don’t always get the support we need to follow our passion, or we have added challenges that make writing more difficult. Because people are sharing how they worked through challenges to keep writing, I decided to share three friends' stories. I trust their perseverance, in the light of discouragement, pain, and rejections, will encourage you as much as they've encouraged me.

 

Kathy Wiechman

I started writing when I was five. I loved putting words on the page. My mother, a published poet, encouraged me.

When I was an adult, I decided to try to get published. I had no idea how difficult that would be. Or how long it would take me. Novels were my passion, but I also wrote poems.

I submitted my writing. And I received rejections. I took classes, went to conferences and workshops, wrote, and submitted. Many people encouraged me, told me I had talent, but publishers kept turning me down. Some of my friends thought I was “out of my mind” to keep trying.

I finally sold a poem in 2002, but my mother did not live to see that success. She died in 1998.

I struggled with health issues, and the older I got, the more often I felt discouraged, thinking I wouldn’t live long enough to achieve my dream of a published novel. My sister advised me to think about how much I enjoyed writing and how many friends I had met along my journey. If I had to decide between being published or having the friends I had made, I would choose the friends in a heartbeat. That realization changed my attitude.

I changed my focus from the drive to get published to loving the process. My new attitude made me a happier writer. I don’t know if my change in attitude improved my work, but my dream came true.

I had written and submitted novels for 39 years before my first success in that genre. I was offered a contract for what was the eleventh novel I’d completed. I still focus on enjoying the work, and now I am a happy—and published—writer. 

Kathy Cannon Wiechman is a former Language Arts tutor and teacher. Her debut novel, Like a River, was honored with the inaugural Grateful American Book Prize. Both Like a River and her second novel, Empty Places, are frequently used in classrooms. Not on Fifth Street is her third book. She lives in Cincinnati with her husband.

Linda Phillips

My high school counselor told me I’d never make it as a writer.  I’ve come to determine she really meant to say, “be sure you keep your day job” not, “you stink as a writer.”  But I heard the latter, and thus delayed my writing career until well into my adult years as wife and mother.  Up to that point my writing life consisted of a growing stack of journals, desperate attempts to make sense out of growing up with a mother suffering from bipolar disorder. The unresolved questions from my formative years began surfacing in the form of poems, and to my delight and surprise, a number of them were published in adult literary journals. That was the beginning.  It took a dear friend’s suggestion that the scattering of poems seemed destined for a novel, and it took another seven years for the refining fires of editing to produce a publishable book. Today, I am thankful for all the bumps in the road that led to Crazy, and for the doors it has opened to encourage persons whose lives have been touched by mental illness.  

Linda Vigen Phillips is the author of Crazy (Eerdmans/2014), a YA novel in verse about a teenage girl coming to terms with her mother’s mental illness. While she awaits the release of her second book, Heart Behind These Hands (October 2018), she volunteers at NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and counts the days between grandkid visits.   

Kathleen Burkinshaw

The Last Cherry Blossom’s writing journey began in 2009.  My daughter asked me to speak to her seventh-grade class about the people under the famous mushroom clouds on August 6^th- like her grandmother. I had never spoken publicly about my mom surviving the atomic bombing. I had only learned details of that day 8 years earlier. I was seriously ill, hospitalized for a month, and diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy(RSD).  RSD is a neurological disorder of the sympathetic nerves causing debilitating, chronic, burning pain.  I couldn’t walk on my own and had to endure grueling physical therapy.  During that time, my mom shared her heart-breaking memories of August 6^th.  I now realize that she didn’t tell me, just so I would know; but to encourage me because as bad as things were, I shouldn’t give up hope.   All along I thought it was therapeutic for her, yet it ended up also being therapeutic for me. 

My mom agreed that I could discuss her experience in Hiroshima because she felt that the seventh-grade students might relate to her story since they were the same age that she was that horrific day. I started writing about life in Hiroshima during the last year of WWII through the eyes of a 12-year-old girl. Finding information about daily life in Japan written in English, took time and patience. Every step on this journey doubled in difficulty because of my RSD pain. There were days my hands hurt so much I couldn’t type, but I was blessed with wonderful friends and family who typed for and encouraged me. Shortly after I received my publishing contract, my mom passed away, overshadowing any other obstacle I had or would encounter. I became determined to honor her by creating through my pain and writing her story.

Kathleen Burkinshaw is a Japanese American author residing in Charlotte, NC.The Last Cherry Blossom, is a SCBWI Crystal Kite Award Finalist (southeast region), 2016 Scholastic WNDB Reading Club selection, and recently nominated for the NC Sir Walter Raleigh Fiction Award. 

Want to add more depth to your stories? Check out The Emotional Wound Thesaurus here. And here's a link to a sample entry. Want all the thesauri at your fingertips? Check out One Stop for Writers. It's my go-to writing resource for checklists, tips, and timelines. It should be yours too!

Do you have a story to share, or some advice for others? You can join Becca and Angela at Writers Helping Writers from October 25-27^th, where they are celebrating writers and their stories of perseverance. Stop in, and tell them about a challenge or struggle your faced, or if you like, write a post on your own blog and share it using the hashtag #writerspersevere.  Let’s fill social media with your strength and let other writers know that it’s okay to question and have doubts but we shouldn’t let that stop us. 

GIVEAWAY ALERT!

There’s a prize vault filled with items that can give your writing career a boost at Writers Helping Writers.

The giveaway is only from October 25-27^th, so enter asap. And don’t forget to share this using the #writerspersevere hashtag so more prizes will be awarded!