Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them: An Audio Book Review

As most of you know, I generally review books for children or teens. But every once in awhile I share books for adults. This time, I'm tackling a serious topic in a book by psychologist, Dr. Susan Forward: Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them.

Before listening to this book, I had never heard the word misogynistic and had no idea that it meant "reflecting a distrust, hatred, or mistreatment of women." Nor did I have any idea how prevalent this syndrome is today.

Originally published in 1986, it was re-released as a paper back in 2002 and is now available in audio format through Tantor Media. The narration by Randye Kaye was clear and easy to follow. 

REVIEW

In Part I, Dr. Forward describes the symptoms of a misogynist relationship through family histories of her patients as well as stories she heard time and again as a talk show host. The women find themselves the recipients of ridicule, are always seen at fault if conflicts arise (and what marriage doesn't have conflict?), and are frequently afraid of the men in their lives because they are threatened either verbally or physically. As a result, these women walk on eggs; not wanting to upset their partner, and often give up important relationships, activities or even their jobs in order to not rock the boat.

Many women ignore early warnings that their relationship has serious problems and fantasize about how they can make things better. Not wanting to ruin romantic dreams, the reality of the trouble these women experience frequently gets shoved into the background. It takes great courage and strength to face these problems--or if the problems go on long enough, the woman becomes desperate to receive help. 

The second part of the book is devoted to advice to women who are in these types of relationships. This comprehensive section includes

clarifying relationships to remove oneself from self-blame, recognizing when a man is emotionally unstable and wanting a woman to be dependent on him (and why), understanding how a woman can't change a man's basic personality but how she can set limits and respond to his threats. It also included reflections on what leads a man to becoming a misogynist. Questionnaires and visualization exercises give the reader opportunities to examine herself, her relationship, and how to create new responses to the man in her life. Dr. Forward handles many tough topics, including how to handle physical threats to the woman or her children.

As a Christian, I thought Dr. Forward made many valid points about setting boundaries and parameters. Her advice to women not to try to fix the other person but instead to acknowledge her own emotions, negative thoughts, and behaviors, frees a woman to take responsibility for herself. I disagreed with Forward's negative use of the word submissive. Although the concept can easily be misused, within the contest of a Biblical and loving marriage submission takes on a positive meaning and direction. 

A NOTE TO WRITERS

As I was listening to the book, I thought how it would be a great resource for writers who are exploring the effects of abuse on men and women. As I have mentioned before, One Stop for Writers, the brainchild of Becca Puglisi and Angela Ackerman, is a collection of helps for writers including all of their thesauri. I thought particularly of The Emotional Wound Thesaurus, and how it digs deep into many wounds related to destructive female/male relationships. If you are writing a book that includes a misogynistic relationship, I would encourage you to read this book to deepen your understanding of what your characters have experienced.

RECOMMENDATION 

This is a must read for anyone who is involved in a relationship with a man who is very controlling and threatening. No giveaway this time; my copy went to a friend.

AUDIO SNIPPET

To hear a snippet from the book, click here.

Blood Brothers: A Review and Audio CD giveaway

The forward of Blood Brothers makes clear Elias Chacour’s purpose in telling his personal story to author David Hazard: he wanted to show an unappreciated side of the Arab-Israeli conflict. First published in 1984, Chacour’s dedication to portray both Palestinian and Jewish prejudices is evident throughout the biography. Another theme is Chacour’s question, “What does it mean to love our enemies and be a peacemaker?” (Note: I listened to this book courtesy of Tantor Media. As a result, quotes might not be exact.)

Beginning with his childhood in the hills of Galilee, Chacour’s faith and life’s work is grounded in his mother’s Bible stories and his father’s recounting the history of the Melkite church. Chacour pictured Jesus walking and working in the hills of Galilee—perhaps even in his own village of Bir’im since after all, the Mount of Beatitudes, was close to their home. He was attracted to Jesus’ fiery nature and the way in which He helped the poor. His father taught him two things: “We should love and respect our Galilean soil. Second, our lives are bonded together with the Jews--our blood brothers from Father Abraham.”

Mount of Beatitudes as
seen from Capernaum.

Even when the Zionist soldiers invaded and took their village, Chacour’s father said, “We do not use violence, even if someone hurts us… The Jews have been hurt by being exiled. They have lived in poverty and fear. They’re afraid. They’re weak because they’ve lost peace within.” Chacour was 8 in 1947 when Palestine was portioned and the armed Zionist solders frightened him. One million Palestinians who had lived there since Christ became refugees and targets of “purification.”  In a moment of painful irony, three years after they were expelled from their village they were hired back to care for their own, beloved olive trees. The army, the Haganah, not the government, ruled Israel. 

By Fred Csasznik - Benny Morris, "Birth of the Palestinian Refugee Problem." ISBN 0 521 33028 9. 1987., Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=7179966

After the Zionists bombed their village, Chacour was sent away to schools in Haifa and Nazareth. He felt a growing hopelessness and questioned his faith. How could there be peace like Jesus talked about in the Beatitudes? Eventually he was sent to a seminary in Paris to study for the priesthood. In explaining himself to others he attempted to counter public opinion. “We were not terrorists, we were terrorized.” During a visit to Germany he realized the similarity between Hitler’s persecution of the Jews and the persecution against his own people. He hurt for the Jewish people and recognized their need for a homeland but wondered why the persecuted had become persecutors. As he studied the roots of Zionism, he uncovered the political maneuverings behind Israel becoming the Jewish homeland.

His search for a life ministry took Chacour to the small village of Ibillin. He realized that the community was divided between Christian and Arab and that the only answer was forgiveness. He thought about Jesus as the peacemaker and wondered how he could emulate Him. As his work to promote peace grew in notoriety, he was a frequent advocate for bridge building between different people groups. The community center he started in Ibillin grew into a K-12 school of 2,750 of Muslims, Christians, and Druze. Today, Chacour is retired under the charges of sexual harassment and mismanagement. 

Clearly narrated by Jonathan Davis, Blood Brothers--a book for adults and serious-minded teens--provides political and sociological insights into a country that has passed through many hands. But, unfortunately, it doesn’t provide the spiritual solution that is most necessary. 

As a Jewish Christian, I found his Palestinian perspective to be interesting. From childhood, I was taught that Israel was the Promised Land that belonged to the Jews and had never seen Zionism from another angle. Hearing about how Arabs were forced out of their homeland was an eye-opener. Although I applaud Chacour’s wok to build bridges and seek forgiveness between people groups, I found that his work stopped short of the greatest need—forgiveness of sin with God. 

Chacour often quoted Jesus’s words in the Sermon on the Mount: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.” (Matt 4:9). But he never mentioned what else Jesus said, “Blessed are they that mourn; for they shall be comforted.” (Matt 4:4) Most Biblical scholars agree: Jesus was teaching about our need to mourn our sin. Although Chacour said we must “remember the gospel of Christ” he never once mentioned that the gospel can be summarized with, “Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and you will be saved.” (Romans 10: 9, Acts 16:31).

Chacour said he was looking for peace. I’d submit that the only lasting, true peace comes when we find peace with God. “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 5: 1. 

I’m giving away my copy of this audio book. Please leave a comment by October 20 if you’d like to be included in the drawing. Make sure you leave me your email address if you are new to my blog. 

MADE YOU UP- A Review and an Audio CD Giveaway

Francesca Zappia tackles the difficult subject of schizophrenia in this young adult book, MADE YOU UP. Told from Alex, the 17-year-old’s deep point of view, the reader is brought so completely into her thoughts and emotions that occasionally you can’t figure out what is real and what isn’t—which is exactly Alex’s problem. She uses a camera to record what she sees to help her figure out  what if something is real or a delusion. 

Alex has started in a new school in her senior year because of problems in her previous school. The reader doesn’t find out until ¾ of the way through what these problems were—all we know is that Alex desperately doesn’t want students in her new school to discover her diagnosis, she wants to be perceived as normal and not crazy, and she wants to get into college. (Note to self and other writers: backstory doesn’t need to be spelled out in the beginning. Just enough details to make the story plausible.) Because of last year’s issues, she’s has to provide service hours in a committee led by Miles, a senior she thinks she met as a nine-year-old. Since she had believed their encounter was a delusion, it takes her awhile to realize he is the same boy. Their love/hate relationship serve each other’s needs as they both tackle the specter and stigma of craziness in their lives. 

The book is masterfully written, interweaving Alex’s delusions with real events and characters. But although it’s clear that the phoenix Alex imagines is not real, it’s a surprise to find out that a significant secondary character lives in her imagination and died several year ago. Another time she dismisses the appearance of a boa constrictor as a delusion, but is startled to discover that it is real. (Which is a great way for the author to demonstrate that her delusional fears about Nazi spies are nothing compared to the reality of a snake almost killing her.) The fact that Alex figures out a complicated school mystery is a testimony to her intelligence and persistence. 

I would give this book five stars except for the language and sexual content. I know I represent a small minority in this regard and that MADE YOU UP probably reflects how many high school students talk and act, but I don’t agree that authors should feed that system. This could have been an equally powerful book with toned down language and without the sexual references. That being said, teen readers who choose to read this book will get an intimate view of mental illness including psychotic episodes, hallucinations, and paranoia. 

In the end, Alex forgoes graduation—what she really wanted—and signs herself into a mental health hospital. Although I was sad not to see her obtain her goals, I was glad to see her face her fears and take control of her life by getting the help she needed. As she and Miles agree in the end, “The real thing is always better.”

The narrator, Amanda Ronconi, read the book clearly and I had no difficulty following her rendition. Here is a link to an audio snippet of the book. I am giving away the audio CD courtesy of Tantor Media. Leave me a comment by July 14 for a chance to win.